SO there’s been a whole lotta chit chat about me bein a slut starting sayyyy oh idk idk in mccarren the night after i sucked on the teat of the savalas frozey margaritey machiney (RIP FUN RIP LOVE RIP TAKIN OUT YR DIAPHRAGM N USIN IT AS A CUP BC IT HELD MORE LUST SLUSH).
SO you might be thinking i prowl the streets for the slightest trace of testosterone then edward cullen it on my tramp vamp steez. HOWEVER peep this story from the olde country mamacitas:
it was november, a few months after i moved to phila. joyce and i had this coupon for buy one get one free burritos that we made photo copies of and then took to qdoba at least once per week (also to check out the football game/sweatpants n acrylics grls shining in the “mood lighting”/get to hear the fray without embarrassing yrself when it shows up in yr web history on youtube). LIL did i know that i’d get a thxgiving feast of LUV from a sweet lil employee who wrote his number on my burrito (nachos, u jeal) – er, the foil on it but it bled through so w/e – and then… still made me pay for it??? but beggars cant be choosers like aladdin didn’t bitch about jasmine not giving him ish so if prince ali mighty is he ali ababa could fuck with it, so could i, eh?
soooo then my “bfriend” (burrito yknow) would sometimes come over and we would sit in my room semi awkwardly and id ask him to talk to this poster of a jungle cat in mens clothing comme le character de robin williams circa jumanji and he would get all pissy and say no. he would then txt me “hey” or like… tell me what movies he was watching? he also dropped outta school to be in 3 hardcore bands (be still my 16 yr old blackribbonaroundtheneckweraringheart), make top of the line mall-style food (i see you panda express, shakin that ass), and sell druggies (tho apparently not to say, ladies???). so that gave us oooooh idk 5 mins worth of chitchat material (insert diet vitamin water calorie thing here) one time???
so finally i guess it reached a boiling pt because i was sleepin while we were talking aka waiting for him to leave my room bc it was too awk when he decided he was some kind of simba-ass-ho climbing on pride rock and then refusing to leave for like 10 mins which just ended up makin things more awk because it meant i hade to bear the mark of the Q on my neck aka with my previous night exposed like a naked burrito bowl.
sooo time passes it ends up bein like 10 months of more awk and more awk and hes leavin for tour and texts to tell me i “have to” tell him how i feel about him “or what the deal is” so im like fuck it i don’t hate this dude and my bod is legit covered in cobwebs and not the ones you buy at party city like real ass cooch webs. so he goes on tour and sends me stupid txts from time to time and asks if we can “watch a movie, have sum beers, see what happens…” when he comes home and it’s like okay like i feel like a 13 yr old in a chatroom on AOL right now like is this freal??? but w/e i got myself into this queso so ill wait it out, maybe if were watchin a movie there will be popcorn?
then he comes back and doesn’t call for 3 wks then calls to say he has a gf!!!!!
10 months just so i could say i like him WHICH WASN’T EVEN TRU and STILL NOTHING!
so listen up my lil pooks, there’s no way i can be a slut when my luv life currently consists of
1. my boss makin awk comments about a new intern in front of him and me havin to avoid the water cooler near the stairs (prime)
2. a high schooler asking for $ then pullin his dick out on the street
3.getting kissed on the lips by my grandpappy when i see him aka applying some secondhand diet caffiene free pepsi lipgloss
what we had was like jay and beyonce,
Filed under Uncategorized